When Two Becomes Three

The day our lives began...

When me and the Hubster found out we were pregnant, we were absolutely thrilled. Like, "over the moon, cartwheels in the house" kind of thrilled. We had been trying, not for long, but it was something we really wanted. We had dated, bought the house, got married and now it was finally time to grow our little family. The next logical step in our lives...becoming parents. But little did I know our perfect, little world was basically going to be turned upside down and inside out.

The moment I realized. The day your first child is born your whole world changes. I know everyone always says that, “when you have a child, your life will change completely”. And even if you think you do, you never understand the gravity of this until it happens to you. That moment you look down at this perfect, tiny, squishy bundle, lying content in your arms. This incredible little being that you have created and grown inside your body, nurtured and loved. You are completely overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of that single moment. Nothing on this earth compares to that feeling, that love, that bond. It is so fierce, so instant and so all consuming. It is like you have just awoken. Like you did not truly exist before. It is like your whole world unhinges in that single moment. The sun, moon and stars fall from the sky, the oceans dry up, mountains crumble to dust…nothing else exists except this tiny human in your arms. They are why you rise every morning. They are your reason for breathing. They are the reason you are here. Your whole purpose in this life is to be their Mama. And nothing else on this earth matters more.

The sun, moon and stars fall from the sky, the oceans dry up, mountains crumble to dust…nothing else exists except this tiny human in your arms.

It does not always happen straight away, but when it does it will knock you off your feet. What no one tells you though, is that this Mama bear love, the love that turns any mother into a warrior, willing to fight to the death with her bare hands, that love, is not always instantaneous. It definitely wasn't for me. The first time I locked eyes with my tiny human was straight after her birth. They placed her into my trembling arms and I could see that she was so tiny, so beautiful and so completely perfect. But she was also covered in blood clots and vernix (lets just say there was a lot of blood everywhere). I was still in a large amount of pain and being stitched up. My husband was teary eyed and pale looking, standing at my side. I was shaking from head to toe. I was in complete shock and my body went straight into survival mode. All I could think of in those few first moments of meeting my perfect child was, "Get me the Fu*k out of here!" There were no angels and harps, no unicorns pooping rainbows. I did not look at my newborn and have that aha moment, no out of body experience. Don't get me wrong I knew I loved her with my whole heart immediately. And I was so grateful that we had created this beautiful being and that she was healthy, alive and finally in my arms. But the whole "movie moment" straight after the birth is a fallacy, at least it was for me.

All I could think of in those few first moments of meeting my child was, "Get me the Fu*k out of here!"

A love like this After I washed all the gore off me and shuffled into my room. After my parents had come and gone and the Hubster had left to get some sleep. After the hospital had quietened down to a mumble and all that could be heard was the beeping of machines. I sat with her on my chest, her skin touching mine and her breath against my neck. In that moment my whole world crashed and burned. I am sure it is different for everyone and comes at different times and with varying intensities. But for me, in the first moment we sat, just the two of us, quietly looking into each others eyes, in that moment I was a goner. And that love that flashed over me in a split second was like nothing I have ever experienced in my whole life. It is by far the most powerful, fierce, passionate love. A love you can not explain, it has to be felt. And in all my 31 years, it was the first time I had ever felt anything like it. The strange thing is that in that moment it was instant. I looked at her and all these emotions washed over me, I was in tears and I had never felt happier, more blessed and more whole. My Mama bear love was wild, raging and relentless. I knew in those few seconds, that I would literally do anything for this child. I would protect her to the death. I would sacrifice everything for her...and may God help anyone who tried to get in our way.

I sat with her on my chest, her skin touching mine and her breath against my neck. In that moment my whole world crashed and burned.

Always try to remember there is no perfect way to feel. And there is no perfect order in which to feel things. After birth your hormones are all over the place and your body is in total shock. You have just bought a human life into this world. That is the miracle of all miracles. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to adjust, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. And don't you worry that Mama Bear love will eventually come, it's natural, it's instinct and it's carnal.

"A mothers love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in it path."

Agatha Christie